God Bless Jackie

I have to sip grey goose to clam my trembling hands as i type this piece.

Just got home from dropping Jacqueline to SCPA emergency room for a c-section surgery.

Yes, my lady dog was pregnant.

As she went into laboring, I didn't even know she was giving birth. The only sane thought comes along with my panic attack was to search youtube for "dog giving birth" video to get a glimpse. When I was fairly certain of what's happening, I was on the edge of break down, dialed numbers that could reassure me things are going to be alright, and three veterinaries afterward.

I don't even know how to describe my guilt for having no idea that i brought home a knocked up girl, or finding out all these earlier, or taking her to the emergency room earlier.

But I was told and convinced that dog gals could take care of baby delivery themselves. By the time we were at the ER, the doc said it's unlikely to save any puppies.

And I walked out of the consultation room with shame.

Tears fell the moment I walked out of SPCA, I am buried deep under my guilt, my frustration and my helplessness.

And it sucks big time the 6lbs that i carry on my shoulder twice a day is gone, and that I am walking home with an empty bag.

The worst part? Having to go thru these all by myself.

Keeping my finger cross until the vet calls.