Monday, July 13, 2009

Death Is A Six Letter Word

數月前, 男人問 “點解你對我咁好, 成日煮飯比我食?”

我抑壓著心裡答案, 懶型地答待我不薄的他 “我唔想欠你任何野.”

當他臉上閃過一絲失望時, 其實我有少少後悔無講出真心話.

但在Ungrateful Bitch 與Crazy Bitch 之間, 我相信前者比較容易接受.

***

零八年九月, 我, 蘇珊娜, 馬莉亞自Tarifa 駕車至直布羅陀. 適逢週日, 商鋪大多關門, 加上陰天, 更顯得這個英屬殖民地死寂.

我們三個女子走入一家冷清的英式Pub, 跟滿口英國腔的侍應點過Fish & Chips 及數Pint Ale後, 邊抽煙邊談起男人.

馬莉亞問我, “Still remember my ex?”
我答, “How could I possibly forget the cold blooded bastard?”

然後我繪聲繪影地為不知內情的蘇珊娜補充資料, 再問馬莉亞
“So what’s up with the Hijo De Puta? Please don't tell me he's trying again...!!”
“He had a motorbike accident in march and he’s now paralyzed…”

命運與生命, 總是無奈得令我們啞然. 但當我望著我兩位摯友, 我實在為她倆不忿 - 她們美麗善良, 為什麼偏要經歷此等讓人心碎得絕望的事情?
***
零八年的情人節, 我整夜在Bar George抱著哭得要虛脫的蘇珊娜.

那天她下班後, 撥長途給身在馬德里的男生, 想對他說聲情人節快樂.

電話由女人接聽, 雙方弄清身份後, 男生姐姐對蘇珊娜說, 他三天前在公路上意外身亡.

蘇珊娜抱著我說, 最後一次見面時, 他們赤裸地抱著對方身體與靈魂, 說好待她回西班牙時再續前緣. 上星期, 他們才在電話中討論蘇珊娜回國後應否搬到馬德里...

蘇珊娜問我 “I don’t understand this… I can’t understand this… do you understand what’s happening?”

親愛的, 我當然明白. 曾經, 一個他十天音訊全無, 我好強好勝, 死命忍著不主動與他聯絡. 日複日的等, 每天越發肯定是自己瞎了眼看錯人.

"他不過是另一名仆街罷了."我對自己說.

第十六天, 從Mutual Friend口中得知, 我沒有看錯人, 他也不是一名仆街…

He died,
13 days ago.
It was really,
very simple.

***

不知怎的, 身邊的人總是在活於危險的週邊.

911時在兩街以外的張大小姐, 馬尼拉Glorietta Mall爆炸時正在Mall 內做Gym的卡路士, 自上年九月起扎根在孟買 Taj Hotel的小S, 在巴斯克從政的依尼…

還有我的兒時玩伴…
一個於作賽時魂斷沙田馬場, 另一名則在年前在馬會宿舍墮樓身亡…

有時我也知道 “怕你們地死” 是極其On居的想法.
說到底, 人誰無死?
而我, 終究是自私的.
我怕你們死, 不止因為我怕失去你們.
我更怕面對失去你們的這個事實.
所以在有得選擇的情況下, 我通常會做先行離開的那位.

***

I am utterly selfish,
Ungrateful at times,
Crazy mostly,
But these are not the reason I wrote this piece.

As I am pounding my keyboard,
My best friend S is in ICU,
Far far away in Barcelona,
And I don’t know what else I can do.

8 comments:

Jenna Michelle said...

life is too short! enjoy it while you can. prayers to your friends.

八哥老豆 said...

大家都要及時行樂

Gwen and Ian said...

希望妳朋友能水水渡過這一關!!!

小瓶子 said...

wah... 无你甘多面对生死的经验, 我的朋友亲戚, 都是健康无事无干风平浪静的.

周游 said...

pray for S.

日希 said...

願S能平安渡過難關..

莎拉 said...

祝S大步檻過,C+你自己就Take Care

C+ said...

Thanks everyone. Ur kindness had touched my heart.

S is improving but still has a long road to full recovery. I can't wait to transfer her back to Hong Kong where friends & family could support her to the fullest.

 
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